My Existence

I need that escape, I want that escape.

I deserve that escape, I desire that escape. 

I crave that escape, I dream of that escape. 

I fantasize that escape, I breathe that escape. 

I yearn that escape, I earn that escape. 

I think of that escape, I cling to that escape.

I love that escape, I live for that escape.

I hope for that escape, I have faith in that escape. 

You taught me how to walk.

You taught me how to talk.

You taught me right from wrong.

Taught me values, made me strong.

You encouraged me, you told me I could.

Caught me when I fell, like I knew you would. 

You loved me even when I was a brat.

I never understood how you managed to do that.

Wiped my tears and never judged me.

Knew my secrets and always loved me.

I don’t say this often but I love you.

You deserve much better then I give you.

Call me stupid, call me dumb.

Call me anything because i’m numb.

Call me loser, call me weird.

Call me anything because I don’t care. 

Call me freak, call me insane. 

Call me anything, I don’t feel any pain.

Call me idiot, call me lame.

Call me anything because its all the same.

Call me degenerate, call me slow.

Call me anything you may know.

For I don’t have feelings, I don’t have ears.

Even when my eyes are swollen with unshed tears. 

I’m not human, I don’t matter. 

I’m just another joke, an outsider. 

Loved once, never twice.

Got hurt, paid the price.

Life hurts and so does pain.

Physically fine but mentally insane.

Tears dry and wounds heal.

Love that’s lost, leaves you incomplete. 

Broken and complicated is my definition. 

I’m on autopilot, don’t know my own destination.

Roses are dead and violets don’t bloom. 

Yet you’re still my sun, you’re still my moon.

Can never be together, but I always hope.

Love is strong but I can’t seem to cope. 

I looked behind me and she was staring again. Shiza was right. Why did she do that? The creep. I so needed to talk to her. But I had to be gentle. I didn’t want my ‘sweetest person EVER’ image ruined now, did I?

Class was over and now was my chance.

“Heyy, Zara! Do you have a second?” I said. She looked at me all wide eyed. 

“Y..yeah, sure. Whatsup?” she replied.

‘Oooh. A timid little creep’ I thought.

“I know this will sound weird but theres no other way to put it. Why do you keep staring at me. Its getting awkward.” I said.

This definitely took her by surprise. I could see her expressions change by the second.

“That’s outrageous! I don’t stare at you! You’re not so special. Beside I was only looking at you because.. because I heard a rumour about you and you know, it got me thinking!” She sputtered back.

Rumour? About moi?! No one gossips about me. Everyone likes me!

Now this took ME by surprise. 

“Oh, okay. That’s surprising. Sorry, to bother you Zara” I said, already preoccupied with thoughts of what this rumour could be.

Rumour. Rumour. Nasty rumour. Scary rumour. What was this freaking rumour? This is all I can think about now. That loser Zara. Really had to do this to me. Dammit! Oh wait. Theres Zara again. 

“Hey, I was wondering about that rumour… Just tell me what it is! I can’t stand the suspense!!” I begged.

With a smug smile on her stupid face, she thought for a moment. Man, how people change when they get power over you.

“Well its about you and.. another girl?” She said or rather asked. 

“Just tell me the whole thing please?” I asked, slightly annoyed.

“Everyone thinks you are amazing, specially me.” She said quickly, trying to stop her laughter.

“That.. that’s the rumour?” I looked at her dumb-founded. “THAT’S WHATS BEEN WORRYING ME ALL DAY. THAT’S NOT EVEN A RUMOUR!! YOU LOSER. Just don’t stare at me anymore. Creep.”

Meh. Life goes on.

Here’s to another night, that I’m spending wide awake
Everything I thanked God for, isn’t there anymore
Was my gratefulness a big mistake?

Here’s to all those friends who said they’d be there for me
Every last one of them, turned their back 
Is my blind trust in them my tragedy?

To the pain and suffering, to the nights I got through
I wept in anger as everything slipped away 
Are my bad days endless and good one’s few?

To the ears that hear what i don’t say
To the eyes that read my face
I wish you were real today

Why does it seem, that my prayers make real my nightmares?
So I stop to pray to see the change
But I’m scared of the time, when in my eyes, death will stare

To my friends and family, who lost their family
Don’t be mad at me, don’t be mad at me
I’m only trying to find a way, out of my misery
So is it selfish of me? don’t want another tragedy.

Three years gone in a flash.

Black coats and the dreary beige sash.

Fights, smiles, tears and laughs.

I leave behind my glorious past.

The winning moments, the crushing defeats.

The grueling work but the ever blank sheets.

The things we shared, from jokes to food.

Fretting the meeting of teachers and our folks.

Our locker keys, our spoiled desks. 

The menacing periods with the giant pests.

The fear of failure, the joy of passing.

The love for eating, the hate for harassing. 

The songs we sang, the dance routines.

I leave behind my treasured fourteens.

Our cheeky smiles, our plans to irritate. 

Our love for freedom, our detest for hate.

The secrets that were never revealed. 

The excitement that all of us could feel.

I’ll remember these forever more.

I love you all now and always. 

 A tear slid down her cheek and I used every ounce of my self control to keep from wiping it off from her face. She was so amazing and I was breaking her heart. I was afraid of this day. Afraid of it from the first time I laid eyes on her. It was a doomed relationship from the start. But, she was just too damn beautiful to ignore. With her charming smile and her graceful stature. She was a lovely sight.

 Coming back to the current issue at hand, I looked at her again. I felt ashamed to look her into the eyes. I had no right to do this to her, but I still did. I knew it was wrong all along.. but I still did it.

 She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I hated that I hadn’t met her sooner. I wished I could have known her before.. before I got married. Now three months down the road, I had decided to make things right. She didn’t deserve someone who wasn’t all hers, someone who lied just to be with her. I couldn’t do that to her. So I told her the truth and bore all her torment with a stony face, to show her I didn’t care so she’d move on quicker. 

 I hated myself everyday for what I did. I don’t regret the time I spent with her, just the lies I told her. I broke my wife’s trust and my true love’s heart. I didn’t deserve to live.